Black Books

Memorable Quotes from "Black Books"

Fran: Do you know that in Tibet when they want something they give something away?
Bernard: Do they? That must be why they're such a dominant global power.

Bernard: I've never said it before because I'm too nice, but your son has the cold, dead eyes of a killer.

Fran: Do you know nothing about modern culture, Bernard? Beckham, Posh, Pokemon...
Bernard: Pacman. It's pronounced Pacman.

Bernard: [to angry skinheads] Which one of you bitches wants to dance?

Bernard: He's a midget. A tiny midget.
Manny: What if he overheard?
Bernard: He won't. His ears are too small.

Fran: So Manny, tell us about yourself.
Manny: Well, I was born in London...
Bernard: Not so fast, David Copperfield. If you're going to go that far back we're going to need popcorn or something.

Manny: Do you think I should wash my beard?
Bernard: I think you should, yeah. You should wash your beard, then shave it off, nail it to a Frisbee and fling it over a rainbow.

[Manny and Bernard are drinking wine]
Bernard: It's like looking into the eye of a duck...
Manny: And sucking all the fluid from its beak.

Bernard: [selling a book] Enjoy. It's dreadful, but quite short.

[Manny reads "The Elephant and the Balloon", the children's book he and Bernard have spent all night writing]
Manny: There's the elephant. He's happy with his balloon. Oh no! It's gone! Where is it? It's not behind the rhino. Look in the alligator's mouth. It's not there either. Ohhhh... the monkey's got it in the tree! He brings it back. They all drink lemonade. The end.

[to violent, Millwall F.C supporting skinheads]
Bernard: Millwall! That's the one. Do you know this chant? 'Millwall, Millwall, you're all really dreadful, and all your girlfriends are unfulfilled and alienated... '
[the skinheads punch him in unison]

Manny: That was the last film you went to see? 'Planet of the Apes'?
Bernard: Yeah. Amazing effects, you know. You really believed that monkeys could have meetings.

[after Manny has swallowed "The Little Book Of Calm"]
Doctor: Well, it's bad news I'm afraid, Mr. Bianco. 'The Little Book of Calm' has become lodged between the small intestine and the pancreas. If it rotates a centimetre or two to the left, you'll be dead in seconds.
Manny: Oh my God!
Doctor: No no, hold on a moment, that's just the worst case scenario. The other possibility - and this is far more likely - is that 'The Little Book of Calm' will move to the right, where it will enter the renal canal. If this happens, you could live for anything up to, ooh, ten years, one year, who knows?
Manny: Oh my God!
Doctor: Because of the massive scarring caused by 'The Little Book of Calm', however, it is possible that you will be in a massive amount of pain...
Manny: [interrupting] Oh my God! Oh, sorry.
Doctor: ...during that time.
Manny: Oh my God!
[the Doctor's beeper goes]
Doctor: Sorry, I'm going to have to go. We'll operate tomorrow, see if there's anything we can do about it. There's a good chance you'll survive - a thirty percent chance, I'd say - so try not to worry about it. As the book itself says,
[holding the X-Ray up to the light]
Doctor: 'whenever you're in a tight spot, try to imagine yourself marooned on a beautiful desert island'.

Bernard: Excuse me, there seems to be some mistake. I bought some popcorn and a drink and now I have no money left.
Cashier: That's how much it costs.
Bernard: What is it, magic popcorn? Does it produce some kind of dizzying high?

Manny: I want the weekend off. I want a life.
Bernard: This is life! We suffer and slave and expire. That's it!
Manny: We have needs! Fran wants to learn the piano, I want some time to myself, you want to go out with a girl...
Bernard: Don't make me laugh... bitterly. Fran will fail, you'll toil your life away, and I'll die alone, upside down on the floor of a pub toilet.

Customer: Those books. How much?
Bernard: Hmmm?
Customer: Those books. The leather-bound ones.
Bernard: Yes, Dickens, the Collected Works of Charles Dickens.
Customer: Are they real leather?
Bernard: They're real Dickens.
Customer: I have to know if they're real leather because they have to go with the sofa.
[Bernard looks confused]
Customer: Everything else in my house is real. I'll give you two hundred for them.
Bernard: Two hundred what?
Customer: Two hundred pounds.
Bernard: Are they leather-bound pounds?
Customer: No.
Bernard: Sorry. I need leather bound pounds to go with my wallet. Next.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0262150/quotes